Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Milky Way

The wind is blowing so strong now outside my window. There is more snow and the cold is growing. It is very late and dark, I have a candle lit. All is quiet now except for the rush of the wind and a few creeks in the walls. In this kind of quiet certain feelings make themselves known to me. The first time these feelings came to me I was a teenager listening to music alone in my room. I remember looking into the space around me and feeling the hold of nothing. I was embraced by the realization that what I had at that moment could be the end. That if my life were to be lost right at that time, I would fall into something unknown. I used to think about this idea all the time. What would nothing be, if I died and didn't continue? How could that happen? When we are alive there is so much to see and experience. How could that just end?
I no longer believe that an ending is what happens when someone dies. There is too much in the mind, just to be erased. I think now that what happens is more of a transformation, but maybe the living just don't recognize what that transformation is because we are not supposed to. Maybe that's what life is for, to get us ready for our transformation. If that is so, I don't understand how a baby who died before he saw the world could be ready to change. Were you an "old soul" Frost? Did you already have what you needed to become what we don't know.
I wish that you knew the world like I did, but maybe you knew it better. I just don't know.

I do know that my body still believes that you are here. My milk has not gone away yet. It wants to nourish your body. The little life that came out of me. In the morning my breasts will feel the cool damp of fabric as your food leaves me. My insides keep making more, I think because my longing to bring you back is so strong. I will ache when it goes away forever. It will make the distance between your birth and the now to come much too far. Oh Frost, I hope that you know from where you are how much we love you, I hope that somehow you have carried our love with you and let it keep you warm when our arms cannot. The warmth will radiate from you like light, like the light of a star. Maybe you have become a star. A star watching the world with the most innocent eyes.
Night, night Frost
Mama loves you.

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