Friday, February 24, 2012

Sky Debts

I've been feeling really happy and good about myself lately. But I'm afraid tonight I am paying the price for this. I feel so alone. I cried to you, did you know? I saw the crescent moon at the bottom of the sky under two bright stars in a line. Like a pendulum striking the horizon. Trees and clouds muddled my sight, but I knew it was swinging. It was never out of my mind. Out of site, out of mind has never been true to me. Since I was a child I have held tight to the things that I have lost. Squeezing out every slip of breath, every burn of touch, until it embeds itself into my very flesh. I've made a uniform for myself out of my memories. I've been talking about them too much with others, trying to shape the way they think of me. Trying to make myself more mysterious by giving away too many of my secrets. It's not mysterious, it's ugly. My happy is ugly. I try to cover. You know me, Frost. Why won't things work? Is it because of me? My heart is aching, but I take time to pet the cat. I take time to try and sooth myself through the comfort of another. Lonely doesn't help this.

A row of caning in the basket was missing. It was old and it should have been missing parts. Or it should have been restored. I don't know where the caning went to. I don't know if it was damaged all at once or if little bits came out over the years. Everything ages in its own style. How much does it take to break down? To collapse? To change? The basket still holds everything it did before. The missing part did not eliminate function. I wonder if the basket remembers the tree it came from.

Night, night Frost
Mama loves you

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

What a film can make us long for

I'm looking for something today. I can't seem to find that feeling. That feeling that fills me up and keeps me. I tried to make myself dream that feeling earlier. If I did, I forgot it again. I tried to find it in music and driving all around. But all I found was an empty bigness in far off houses with lights that tell me someone lives there for a time. I saw it in a movie once and afterwards took a shower with which to wash away my tears at its absence. A movie where a lover ran after a lover. Over centuries and lives. Through flesh and wood. It didn't matter, the feeling lasted. I'm looking for a something to last for me. For once and all, why does everything go away? When will it come back? Everyone comes back, I just don't know when. I wonder why we meet the people we meet. That's all.

Night, night Frost
Mama loves you.