Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Wanda's gone

Frost, you've been guiding me lately.  I go to you nightly for help, for a way.  You help me find that way through the heartache of carrying another child.  I like to think that you bring me back to the joy of it.  I get lost a bit and wrapped up in the hardships of everyday life.  But then I talk to you and I am reminded that I should be happy.  Only you and Hadley know what this little boy is learning now.  Only you have grown within me.  Please show him how to be strong and live. 
I miss what my family was before everyone started dying.  It began with my dad, everyone changed then.  It feels smaller and farther away than when I was a child.  I'm loosing more and more every year.  It's getting so scant that tiny arguments devastate me because I feel like these will make my family slip away to nothing.  I need this baby to help our family grow again, to help your sister feel a connection that I feel that I haven't been able to give her the way that I should have.  It's not the same, it's not the same.  I hope that loosing my family here means that your family is growing.  Sometimes I feel like people left to be with you.  Are they with you Frost?  Did you meet your Great-grandma Wanda not too long ago?  I loved her so.  I loved her hands, I have pictures of them.  I was there when she died, in the room with her and her family.  I kept thinking of her with you for the first time.  I kept thinking of her with your Great-grandpa Milton for the first time in 30 years.  I kept thinking of her with her mind and her strength back.  And as her breath and heart failed her I whispered into her ear "You hold my baby, Grandma, you can hold my baby for me now."  After, I felt calm, so I know that she did just that. 
Night, night Frost
Mama loves you