Sunday, February 28, 2010

Lullabies I Find for You From Beautiful People I Don't Know

Frost I've decided to find songs that I would sing to you as I rocked you to sleep. I will put them here. I will change them as I discover new ones for us. The first one is called Blood by The Middle East, and hearing it is what inspired me to share what I think is beautiful with you. Your Sister likes most of the music I do, so I think that you would too. I will only pick songs that make me feel closer to you. Songs that I could listen to forever.
Night, night Frost
Mama loves you.

Winter Swimming

Something wonderful happened today Frost. Your sister finally let her tears fall. She's been holding them in for so long. She's been trying to protect me and be brave. We went to the indoor pool today with friends. Hadley was nervous about the water like she always is at first. Her emotions must have surfaced, she must have looked around and seen all of the other children, the little boys. The little brothers. She came to me, her eyes fell into mine and as I asked her what had happened she sobbed "My Brother, my brother." I said "Oh Hadley" and I held her to me. Finally, I was able to comfort her. In the summer when I was first pregnant we went swimming and talked about how we would have so much fun watching you in the water the next summer. She missed this today as she saw the other children splashing and laughing. I understood why she was hurting and I asked her if these memories from last summer were the reason for her tears. She said yes, and I told her I felt the same and cried a bit with her. After that I asked her if she felt better letting some of the saddness out of her body and she said yes. Then she went into the water and played with her friends, she let herself be happy and when it was time to go she didn't want to leave. I think she was swimming for you today, even though the sun didn't warm her skin today you warmed her heart and freed her of a little bit of the burden she has been carrying. I love you both so much, all I want is for my babies to be happy. The two of you deserve it.
There is a picture in Hadley's room, I'm looking at it now because I've slept with her everynight since we lost you. The picture is from an elderly woman who befriended me when I was pregnant with your sister. She gave unconditional love to us two girls and graced us with her kindness. A few years ago she died and gave the picture to me for Hadley's room. It is a print of a relatively famous image. It is a painting of one cherub kissing the cheek of another. The little angel that is kissing has wings from heaven while the other has the wings of a butterfly, a creature of the earth. Now as I look at the picture I see you and your sister. You have flown down for a bit to ease her pain and kiss softness back into her heart. A heart, into which the downcast eyes of my earth angel search for her brother everyday. I think she may have found you there today. And I am happy for that.
The woman who was our friend was called Helen, maybe she has found you. Ask her if she somehow knew that we would need the picture before she left, and tell her thank you for me.
Night, night Frost
Mama loves you.

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

What Did I See?

Things have been disappearing lately. I drive in the early morning in the dark and the truck's shell seems to leave me. I am left with my thoughts and the music moving down the road toward a purpose without a purpose. I am on automatic and the vehichle that moves me is not really there. I looked at footprints in the snow yesterday. I saw rabbit prints, bird prints, dog prints, cat prints. Then I took my own prints and made the other prints disappear. In the afternoon I stepped in the prints that I had left in the morning, my new prints disappeared. The icicle I saw yesterday escaping the gutter was gone today. The new song I listened to today took away my old favorite. There is a new tune haunting my ears. This new sound takes me away from where I am. I feel closer to where you might be when I listen to it. I've listened to it for hours now because it brings me to you, Frost.
I took a shower today and stood in the water until I disappeared. I stared at the water running down the walls until I became loose like the drops. I held my place until the tension broke and I fell. The water held me. The warmth made me real. The scent from the soap I used before I vanished covered the shape on the floor that was me. The tears ran into the water drops and were lost and new. An hour disappeared in the shower. I dried myself and the water disappeared and changed. What did it become, what did you become? I am different now, the old me has changed, I am new. What have I become?
Night, night Frost
Mama loves you.

Friday, February 19, 2010

Leaving Winter

Today the rain wasn't frozen. Today was warmer. I have been wishing for Spring, now I don't know. I didn't feel the usual delight that comes with the arrival of my favorite season. The little taste of Spring today wasn't enough. I thought that leaving winter would help me leave some of the pain behind. It would physically; the cold, the solitude. But the change also makes me feel like I'm leaving you. That makes me sad. If I stay in winter, I stay with the ache of your death, but I also stay with the memory of the new life I thought was coming to share the winter with me. The first days you would have seen in the world would have been winter ones. Cool and icey, short days, long nights. This is where your identity would have begun. I'll never get to see you in the other seasons. Right now, January February March, right now is the time of year that you were never with me. You started growing in April. But right now I never had you. January February March.
They say that it is going to rain ice again soon. So winter has extended itself again. Maybe just for us.
Night, night Frost
Mama loves you.

Thursday, February 18, 2010

Good Karma Where are You?

Today your sister is sick. She has been sick since four days before. She is coughing and hot with fever. All night long she coughs. I am sad for her even though I know she will be better. She missed her music program at school tonight and this makes me very sad. I feel like things keep happening against us. I feel like nothing I plan or want comes to be. I think of you and I know that you will never have a music program, you will never go to school. I also know that you will never be sick. I will never get to nurse you back to health or stay up all night with your cough. This also means that you will never hurt.
I cried and cried today and asked questions of God. I think I have to wait for an answer because I have no idea what is happening. I don't understand why so much pain has to surround us. I tried to look for happiness in the little things and now even those little things seem to have been taken away from us. Even little pains hurt.
Frost I look at Hadley and I know that she was never sick when she was an infant. I wonder if you would have been. I would have kept you well. The Winter lends itself to illness. If I am ever to have another baby I will not have it in the Winter. The Winter is your time. I will save those cold solitary days for thoughts of you. My time alone will be forever spent with you. I don't think I will ever be alone again.
Lately I've been wondering if I did something very bad in a past life and now Karma is trying her best to destroy me. I wonder what I could have done that was so bad that now my children must even suffer. Please don't take it out on my babies. I have a lot of beliefs going on here, God, karma, past lives. Mostly I don't know what to believe. But I do believe in the love I feel for my children. It is the most powerful thing I have. And it is good.
Night, night Frost
Maama loves you.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Who Weeps For the Willow?

When I was a kid I remember someone telling me about weeping willows. There were many of these trees in the small town where I lived, but the one I remember the most was gigantic. Someone, probably my Grandma but I can't remember if it was her for sure, told me that whenever one of a weeping willow's branches grew long enough to touch the ground someone died. This old wive's tale stayed with me and I have always noticed upon seeing one of these trees how many branches touched the earth. I remember trying to pick which branch might have been my Grandpa's branch, on that gigantic willow in my small town. I wondered how to know which tree held each person's branch. When we moved from that small town when I was eleven, we moved next door to a house with another gigantic weeping willow. I thought about what I had been told and wondered what would happen if someone cut the branches before they could graze the grass. What if they were just trimmed a bit? What would happen then, would something worse than death happen if they were tampered with? I never cut the branches, although I would gather those that fell after a storm. I didn't do anything with them I just piled them together and thought about the lives they might hold.
Frost, do you think that there is a special weeping willow out there that is tiny? I tiny, tiny tree whose branches touch down very soon. Is this the tree that holds all of the babies? There must be one somewhere.
I drove by our old house today and looked to the neighbor's back yard where the willow stood. The tree was there but it looked ill, like a leaning shell of what it had been. I could not tell if this was due to winter's shadow being cast upon it, or if it was dying. What happens when the tree that holds the lives of so many, dies its self? What then, Old Wives?
Night night Frost
Mama loves you?

Granny Smith's Broken Ring

I've been sleeping better now. Sleeping too much. In the daytime I sleep until the trees out of my window catch my eye. The trees have claws now, in this winter. I am waiting for the claws to hide themselves in a mask of leaves and buds. The apple trees are what I see. Their fruit was frozen two years ago. A late freeze took the trees' babies. Not one apple to be plucked, not one Macantosh fallen to the ground. The blossoms were there, but the March winds jumped into April and crushed each flowers' little heart. The fruit didn't grow it just stopped. I missed the pies, the jellies, the apple baseball. Petals were all that fell. I think that the petals were the trees' tears. Between the two rows of trees in the short alley, a white blush cobbled the ground. A pathway to something invisible. A short stretch of highway that led to nothing and started with nothing. Maybe the path didn't end. Maybe it changed its direction. Maybe it went up, and the white blush blended into the clouds. All of the apple babies quietly launched themselves up to heaven, and danced in the sky for a while until they were so sleepy that they sunk into the heavy bottoms of clouds. The babies hid themselves in raindrops and fell back to the earth. The mother trees drank from the earth and the babies swam back into their mothers' bark creating a new pattern in her rings. They swam around and around plumping up and strengthening the ring, a ring that would never be broken the way that the ring from last year had. A new year marked with a renewal. The next year there was no freeze, the babies grew, there were so many apples. You were in my belly then Frost, just beginning to grow. This is the next year, so soon it has arrived. If you are like the apple babies, maybe you will come back to me.
Night, night Frost
mama loves you.

Saturday, February 13, 2010

The Look

I think it's hard for some to look at me, and even harder to talk to me. I am the personification of pain. I am walking sorrow. I think I have become defined by your death. Even people that don't know seem to feel that something is different. I think that it must be the collective consciousness at work. I think that many people can't come to me because their brain won't let them. The brain's job is to protect the body from pain. I am painful because I hold a loss so piercing that people can feel the stab of my grief with a simple glance. I have to live with this sting. I cannot out run it, I cannot turn away from it, I cannot change the subject. You are my life upon waking. You are my life as I sleep. Frost, you are a life never realized. If someone else was your mother, if someone else lost you, I too would guard myself from the most helpless of sadnesses. I think that maybe some brains are better at allowing one to heal and coping with pain. It's so hard to know what to do when faced with heartache, whether it be your own or the heartache of another. There is one happiness I embrace and that is the fact that you were beautiful and you were real. So real that I believe that I will meet you someday. My love for you is overwhelming. Maybe if people look close enough they will find that love and smile at its purity. A love so genuine that healing is certain. Maybe someday I'll be a reminder life instead of death. When my eyes are smiling again it will be because your love has helped me to heal.
Night, night Frost
Mama loves you.

Friday, February 12, 2010

Second Star to the Right and Straight On til Morning

Kids are dancing, asking questions. Kids are learning to talk, making friends. Kids are laughing, rolling across the floor. Kids are everywhere, you are not here. I see children with big eyes in this house. They look around and discover. They are related to you, I imagine your eyes. The kids imagine flight, you fly. Peter Pan was a boy forever, you will forever be an infant. Finger tips to the moon, touch a dream. Leaves turned into birds and birds into leaves, depending upon the wind. Which wind would blow me to you? I think the West Wind, a wild wind. A strong wind that soars on mountain tops and through canyon cresents. A wind that whistles through the spines of trees. The wind that follows my voice as I whisper a wish. A wish for my baby to be alive outside just as he was within. I whisper your name Frost before I go to sleep and that wind brings me a little closer, even though time has taken us farther.
It's almost been two months and my arms still ache. You should be here. So many people wanted to meet you, but you never even had a shadow. Could you blow us a little kiss on the gentlest of winds?
Night, night Frost
Mama loves you.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

The Lost Name

Jack Frost was in the garden,
I saw him there at dawn.
He was dancing round the bushes
And prancing on the lawn.
He had a cloak of silver,
A hat all shimm'ring white,
A wand of glittering stardust,
And shoes of sunbeam light.
~J. Smeeton
I wonder if you would have liked your name. Your Daddy mentioned it one day early in my pregnancy with you. I paused when he said "what about Frost?" I felt it and then I said "well let's keep looking, maybe though." So months passed and we kept looking at names, saying names, spelling names and dreaming names. I felt your name again and said "I think we should name him Frost." Your sister loved it. She defended your name when we began telling relatives. She would say "HIS NAME IS FROST!" I loved her for it, she was already being such a devoted big sister. I longed for the day when you would answer when we called out your name. I couldn't wait to hear other children say your name and smile. I imagined people asking what your name was upon seeing your baby face. I would answer "His name is Frost" they would pause and say "Oh, I do like that, it's cool." And I would smile and say "the coolest". Now no one will call it, strangers won't know it, it's uniqueness is lost to time. Is anyone else named Frost? I don't know.
We didn't choose your name based on the season, we didn't choose your name because of snow, wind, or ice. We chose it because we loved it and we wanted to call you that. It just came to us, and so it just was your name. It's funny that now those things, those Winter identities, bring a flood of reminders of you to us. Maybe your Daddy felt that this time would become a frozen time for us, a time when part of our lives would stop. A time where each flake is so delicate, yet in abundance they can become devastating. As the season changes to winter in the years to come only one word will enter my mind and that word will be my baby's name; Frost.
You will forever be a warm place in the coldest of times. I just have to find you there.
Night, night Frost
mama loves you.

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Maybe The Deer

I wonder sometimes about omens. People say that seeing owls are bad omens. I love owls. I get excited if I see one. I saw many while you were in my belly. More than usual. Your Grandpa said that your Grandma saw one the week before she died. I saw one the other morning perched upon a stop sign. It makes me wonder.
Your other Grandma, Susie my Mom, believes that stray animals are a bad sign. She believes that if they choose your house to go to something will happen. The week before my Dad died a stray dog came to their house. He was very thin, and sickly. My Dad fed him and they kept him in the fence for the night. The next day he was gone. My Mom had a bad feeling. A week later her bad feeling proved itself to be our tragedy. It makes me wonder.
I wonder if I stop looking for signs, will bad things quit happening? We march along blindly not knowing what will come next. We know what we expect to happen, but there is no way to know the truth.
I also remember the Thanksgiving before my Dad died we saw a Cayote stumbling around on the edge of the field in front of the house. We saw the cayote sit and watch our window, we saw him stand and walk dizzily toward an old storage shack. My Dad thought that the cayote was hurt. I think I remember him questioning whether or not he should shoot it so that it wouldn't suffer. He did not and we forgot about the cayote. The next summer after Dad had died. We went out to that building to look for something and found the cayote's stiff body. There was fur and a shape, but not a life. Then we remembered Thanksgiving and thought that it must have been the same animal. It was curled in the shape of sleep.
How far in advance do signs come to people? I think that the signs come in the form of something beautiful so that they catch the eye of the person they are intended for. My Dad told my Mom when they were first married that if he ever died "just to throw him to the cayotes." Did he know then? Is that why canines kept coming to him? Hadley knows that I like owls, she gets them for me as gifts. I hope that I don't see these beautiful creatures anymore.
Whenever I hear the cayotes running and singing in the night, I wonder if my Dad is off to warn others of what is to come. What animal did you like, Frost?
Night, night Frost
Mama loves you.

Sunday, February 7, 2010


The Superbowl was today Frost. It would have been your first and I know that your Daddy would have watched it with you. Even though you wouldn't have understood the game, your eyes would have been entranced by the movement. We would have watched you watching the game, and fallen even deeper in love with you. I know that this crossed through your Daddy's mind even though he didn't say anything. I know that he is missing the Father/Son bond that he would have formed with you. He wanted that so badly. Now what he has is a Father/Angel bond. This connection, though difficullt to understand, is deeper. It is deeper because it resides totally within him. The only way that he can feel you is to look within himself and search his own soul for the parts of himself that he would have given to you. This is one of the gifts that you left with us Frost. Because to see all of you he has to look deeper into me, into my soul, to find what parts of myself I would have given to you. I believe that you have brought us closer, just as your sister has. We have to find what is true in eachother to know what would have been alive in you. Thank you for helping us know that we belong to eachother, just as we belong to our children.
Night, night Frost
Mama loves you.

Saturday, February 6, 2010

Great-Grandma's Hands

We went to your Great-Grandma's home today to celebrate a late Christmas with family. You're Great-Grandma's name is Wanda and she was born in 1921. Her mind is fading. She's losing who she was. Her age is taking her back to who she was as an infant. It hurts her to feel helpless, I can see it in her eyes, even though at times they appear blank. Maybe the look is not really blank, I think perhaps she is looking into a distance that we cannot see. She is closer to the place where you have gone to than the rest of us. She cries when we leave everytime. I think that it may be because she does not know if it will be the last time she sees us or the last time she remembers us. She was happy today because her children and their children and their children were there with her in the tiny house where she spends so much time alone. She smiled at the playing children the entire time, she watched them and didn't say words. She watched. I hope she remembers it. She told me that she was tired, I said that she would have to take a nap after everyone left. I played with the veins in her hands as I always have. She smiled and asked if they were the same, I noticed that some of the veins seemed smaller, but I told her that they would always be the same. Those veins hold the same blood as all of the children in the room. Her veins hold the same blood that moved from me to you Frost. She is our beginning Frost.
I often wonder what a person whose mind is leaving them dreams of. Are the dreams lost? Or are they clear visions of futures and pasts; visions that hold who each of us becomes. I wonder what Great-Grandma will dream of tonight. Maybe she will dream of meeting you someday Frost, and watching you play.
Night, night Frost
Mama loves you.

Friday, February 5, 2010

Palm Tree

After I was pregnant with Hadley, I noticed that there was a mole on my palm that had not been there before. The mole just so happens to be on my life line. I have looked up what this could indicate in the world of palmistry. Mostly what I found was the word "accident". I thought for the longest time that it referred to your Grandfather's accident. The tree that led to his death. Since it was not there until I was pregnant with your sister I started to make connections with the mole and his death. I wondered if maybe your Grandfather made a silent deal when Hadley was in danger of being born too early. I wondered if he traded his life to save hers. I don't know if he did this or not but I have her and she is healthy and I've always thought that somehow your Grandpa protected her.
We didn't have a warning with you Frost, there was no way anyone could know to make the same deal for you. We all would have done it. We would have traded ourselves so that you could be. Your death was due to an accident too, just like the falling tree that happened to land on your Grandpa. Your tree was a cord, the cord that nourished you, the Tree of Life. I thought that the spot on my hand would only darken one time of my life. I was so wrong. The spot on my hand scares me.
Night, night Frost
Mama loves you.

Thursday, February 4, 2010

Sun Catcher

I keep catching myself putting my hand to my stomach. I let it rest on my left side, that is where you hung out the most. I guess I'm looking for you Frost. I know where you were but I don't know where you are. People say you're in Heaven with Grandpa and Grandma and Angels. I believe that, but what I want to know is why can't you come and visit. Can you come and go as you please? Have you? Did I just not recognize when you were here? I understand why people go to psychics and mediums. They go to them for answers. It would be such a relief to know that you are happy, I want to find a sign that proves this to me. I can read things and belive things and dream things, but what I want is a big fat physical proof that my little boy is OK! We deserve to have eachother. I know you belong to me or it wouldn't hurt so much.
What do you do with your time Frost? Do you fly around, can you fly? Do you watch the earth from where you are? Or do you have things to watch that we cannot fathom? Has your energy returned to where-ever it came from? Do you help make the wind blow? Are you the catalyst that enables an acorn to first sprout into a mighty oak? Are you the spark in a child's mind when they read their first word? Have you found your place? Are you of the earth, the heavens, or are you all soul? Maybe you are in all of these places, because I know for me you are everywhere.
One morning the sunlight streamed in through my window, waking me. It was wamth in winter, it did not burn my eyes. It shined in a perfect little oval lying next to me on the bed. I moved into the light and held it. That light hugged me back. I stayed with it, wondering if it was the sign I should be looking for. The proof that you are happy.
Night, night Frost
Mama loves you.

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Sewing Songs

"Time lies frozen there. It's always Then. It's never Now."~The 13 Clocks by James Thurber
This speaks of my mind, my heart and my body. All of me goes back to you Frost. Everything that involves me at the moment is shrouded with the memory of you. Driving early in the morning to work alone will always be a constant memory of the times I sang to you with the music playing on the radio. I sang to the growing baby and couldn't wait to soothe you in my arms with a gentle hum. I sang before we ever knew you were coming, but those songs don't matter now. My past does not mean the same to me now, happy memories do not change what happened. You didn't finish growing. Your body stopped at 36 weeks. Time did freeze that day.
The number 7 makes me think of our loss. We waited 7 years to try and have you, we found out you died on the 17th. Your Grandpa died on the 27 of July, the 7th month 7 years before you. My name has 7 letters. It's silly, but every 7 I see from now on will bring me pain. It will take my mind back to Then.
The things I do now, that you were never even a part of before, Now these things revolve around you. There is a quilt on my bed that was sewn by a woman's hands for my Grandmother with scraps of fabric from our family's lives years before I was even born. That quilt is a reminder of you only because I know that I never had the chance to cover you with it in the cold of winter. I never got the chance to spread it out in late Spring on the greenest grass and sit you up on it and watch you marvel at nature's gifts. From now on, that quilt that you never touched will only make me think of you and what we missed. We never got to pick our favorite patches of material together. I'm looking at it now Frost and I think you would have liked the leopard print flannel left from a Halloween costume made so long ago. I guess I have to make up memories for both of us.
Night, night Frost
Mama loves you.

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

I saw an Angel Through a Telescope

In 1986 I remember going to the country and into a wide open field. The reason for this trip was to try and spot Halley's Comet, who likes to visit every 75 years. I was with my Mom and for some reason I can't remember if it was my Uncle or my Dad that drove us to the field. I think that it was my Uncle, even though I remember my Dad being the one that was the most excited about finding the comet. While we were in the field very early in the morning, we looked in the direction that it was said to be, we did not see it. We looked toward the other directions, no comet. North, South, East, West. Nothing but stars. We did not see Halley's Comet that morning and we did not try to find it again. I was 11 in 1986, in 75 years I will be 86. I may get another chance to see it. Some people only get one chance, others are given a second chance. We only had one chance with you Frost.
In the mid-1990's another comet came to visit. It was called the Hale-Bopp Comet. That comet stayed within our sights for a long time. My Dad and I would go out in the evenings and wonder about it's trip through the universe. We had always had it in our heads that comets zoomed so swiftly through the night sky that one would be lucky to glimpse the tail-end of it. Well the Hale-Bopp Comet was visable in the sky for weeks and maybe months. It wasn't what we expected but we could see it. We did not miss that comet. It was a second chance to see a comet of a different kind.
Having the opportunity to gaze at such a rare creation, reminds me of the time we had with you. We tried to find you, but you were the fast comet the one we couldn't find in the night sky. The comet of our imagination. Maybe we will get a second chance once more. Maybe the slow comet will come and remain with us for a time. Maybe that comet will spark memories of you. It will be different, but it will bring us closer to knowing what the reality of you would have been. Maybe someday we will have a visitor almost just like you.
Night, night Frost
Mama loves you.

9 Lives

The cats always seems to know when to come along and give a purr. It's like they can sense my need for comfort. When the humans are too involved in their own musings to notice the ache I try to hide, a cat will come along, find my pain and ease it. Their timing is always just right. Just like when the song that's playing matches the drive. Or when a wind creeps up and pulls a cloud from in front of the moon just in time to reveal the mouse to the owl. Or when a young girl turns her head just in time to catch a glimpse of the boy's gaze before he looks away with flushed cheeks. When the timing is just right it can change a life, or maybe just the day. Once, a hot air balloon nearly landed in our backyard, but as it came down the wind caught it and up it went, away to the next neighborhood. The course was changed. A simple gust changed a memory of "guess what happened" to a "guess what ALMOST happened". You almost happened for us Frost. An accident kept you from us, if you had turned the other way inside of my belly you would be here now. If you just stayed still, if I did not move as much, if I had gone to the doctor sooner. If you...if I...Forever I will say that. Our timing was right to make you. Our timing was wrong to have you. I wish I could have caught that moment, instead I lost it.

We adopted the two kittens from the shelter after we lost you Frost. If you hadn't gone we would not have gotten them. Their lives would have taken a different course. I think they are happy here with us. It must have been their time, because of you their lives were rescued. I try to think about that when they sit on my lap and purr. It's like they are saying "Thank you Frost, for giving us your time."
Night, night Frost
Mama loves you.

Monday, February 1, 2010

Three Lights

January is over. Time keeps moving me away from your birth. After you died, I learned that my Grandma and Grandpa had lost a baby, your Great-Uncle. I don't remember being told this before. I do remember when my Dad died my Grandma sobbed and cried out "My Baby, My Baby!" Her baby was 49. She has lost two babies. Now that I know about the first baby she lost, I think that she was crying for both of her children when she put her arms across my Dad's coffin. Her first born, my father, and the baby boy she was never allowed to see. She spoke to me about you, Frost, at Christmas. My Grandpa told me about the baby they had lost first on the phone and I asked questions. When I spoke to Grandma about it she was kind and soft spoken, quieter than usual. I could tell that our loss had caused some of the heartache she had buried so long ago to resurface. I thought about them after they had heard the news of you. I thought about them reliving their own loss, mourning triple this time. Their first-born son, their little son, and their Great-grandson. All gone. I have always found my Grandmother to be a little secretive, now I understand that a bit more. Talking about things can help, but so can keeping some things for yourself. I'm so thankful that now parents are given as much time as they need with their own child after delivery. We had you in our arms, we kissed you and whispered our love to you. My grandparents were not given this choice. They were left with nothing to hold on to, just a memory of what could have been. I love your beautiful face, Frost. I'm so glad I was able to see you.

Today was your cousin's third birthday. I was taking pictures as he blew out the candles on his cake. My eye caught what looked like a speck of dust floating in streaming sunlight through a window (even though it was night time). I took a picture where I saw it go, against the bare dining room wall. I took three pictures of that wall. In all three pictures there were three pale spots of light. In each picture, the pale lights are in different places in the room as if they were flying around. Maybe you guys thought it would be fun to pay a visit. The thought of it made me feel good. It's funny sometimes the things my mind will let me believe.
Night, night Frost
Mama loves you.