Monday, August 30, 2010

Running through snowy streets yelling Merry Christmas

I listened to a song this morning and the lyrics began "I wish to Lord I'd never been born, or died when I was young." It made me mad. it went on to say how awful life was because the girl chose someone else over the singer. Well boo-hoo, I don't want to hear words like these. It reminded me of It's A Wonderful Life, the movie when Jimmy Stewart wishes he had never been born because his life has gotten too difficult. He gets to see what would happen if he had never been. Obviously it is worse without him. I know that my life is worse without you. I want the movie to show it the other way. I want the one who didn't get to live to have the chance to. If you wish hard enough maybe we can see how life would have been if you did get to live here. I want the song to say I wish to Lord that I had been born so that I could know the pain of love. So that I could feel the kiss of another. It breaks me up inside knowing that my baby will never get to fall in love and have children. I hurt for your absence, you dwell in an alien world. I want you to know what a papercut feels like, a burn, to be scratched by a pet cat, to cut teeth. I want you to know all of these pains because they come with hugs and kisses, fingers that wipe away tears. They come with the hum of an old tune, with back rubs and rocking in old chairs. All of the pain comes with love, but only if yoour person is there to share it with you.
How can I sooth you? I guess you don't need me to, since you are not here where everything hurts so deeply. I wish you could sooth me. You are a guardian angel, show me what life would have been like if my son had lived. We might hear a bell ring.

Night, night Frost
Mama loves you

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Eight Months

I feel like I almost saw you yesterday. It was in the silliest place, really. In my exercise class, at the end, we relax in the dark. The instructor speaks to us, calming us and slowing us down. We close our eyes and feel the complete calm of the moment. We are supposed to still our minds and focus on what is now. The feeling is very powerful. I let go of my tension and flow into my thoughts. I see shapes in the middle of my mind. I see a shadowy portrait, a silhouette. I see flashes and feel a shape come to my left side, the side of my womb where you liked to curl up. I try to stay there longer and zero in on the details. I try to mold the shadow into a baby. I want to remain there, I feel myself rise up a bit to try and reach out to the familiarity. I feel tears slide from my eyes to the floor, creating a bond with the physical. Her words bring me back too soon. I roll over, away from the now that I want. I will continue going for the chance to glimpse a part of you that I saw eight months ago today.
Night, night Frost
Mama loves you.

Thursday, August 12, 2010

Shopping Cart Friend

I was caught off guard today. A little boy got to me. Other little boys showed up before and after him, I did not react to them. The boy was blond and interested. He had light eyes, blue or green, not like you. I kept my distance, I could feel something building. He was with his grandparents. He was curious, he was chubby. He was two or so. I was fine until he spoke. He pointed to a toy car and said "bipiple, byp-ciple!" He wanted the toy, he was learning to communicate, he was becoming himself. His voice was a kind, soft voice, and when I heard it I felt as though I was hearing you. That was when my composure fell away. I had been holding in the emotion so well lately. The boy gave it the power it needed to break free of my silly attempt at jailing it. I went away from him and thought that I had expelled all of the tears. I returned to my spot, his grandparents were lingering, so I watched him some more. I thought that I could be more thoughtful this time and try to notice the things about him that were not you. He was far away from you in looks and age, but something struck me to my soul, and I could not fathom what it was. I'll keep this feeling with me for a while the way I always do and then I'll let it go. I can't even really remember his face right now. All I know is that he had a calmness about him. I think that is what I needed and why I cried. Because I was so grateful for what was maybe a little clue into who you would have been.
When I came home today a blue and black butterfly flew infront of me and landed on the holly bush by the front door. It was strong and flew well despite the jagged piece torn from one of its wings. It rested for a bit, then lifted its body and flitted off around the corner of the house. I think I saw my heart fly up to me today. Tiny things can be so huge. I wish I had a picture.

Night, night Frost
Mama loves you.

Friday, August 6, 2010

Empty Pillow

I imagined as hard as I could that you were wiggling around on the bed earlier while Hadley and I read. All I could pull up were tears. No chubby little face or grabby little hands pulling at kitty feet came into my mind. There
were no big eyes to smile at or that smiled up at me. No kicks or tumbles. No made up words whose only meaning is love. No piggies went to market, no cows jumped over the moon. Perhaps you've become the little boy who lived up the lane. Nobody sees him but they know he is there because he was given a bag of wool. When I read nursery rhymes from now on I'm going to change them. I'm going to insert your name into the spots where the word boy is. I can if I want too. And I think your sister will like it. I'm ready for a dream of you, maybe could I have one? A dream that gives me a peek at what you would look like now. So that maybe, on days like today, I could have a sweeter picture.
Night, night Frost
Mama loves you.

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Spelled Out

Seeing your name spelled out gives me comfort. It proves to me how real you are. You own your name, just as you own my heart. It is good to see it in places, it is like you are stepping up and saying "hi". Frost I am forever looking for you, when I see your name I have something more to hold on to.

This image was drawn by a woman named Carly who lives far away from where we are. She has an angel baby too. His name is Christian, and it is his beach upon which your name has been written along with the names of so many other sweet little ones. Thank you to Carly for sharing Christian's beach with us, and for giving us the gift of seeing our baby's name in such beauty.

Your name is Frost. We gave it to you, and you gave us so much more.
Night, night Frost
Mama loves you.