Monday, February 1, 2010

Three Lights

January is over. Time keeps moving me away from your birth. After you died, I learned that my Grandma and Grandpa had lost a baby, your Great-Uncle. I don't remember being told this before. I do remember when my Dad died my Grandma sobbed and cried out "My Baby, My Baby!" Her baby was 49. She has lost two babies. Now that I know about the first baby she lost, I think that she was crying for both of her children when she put her arms across my Dad's coffin. Her first born, my father, and the baby boy she was never allowed to see. She spoke to me about you, Frost, at Christmas. My Grandpa told me about the baby they had lost first on the phone and I asked questions. When I spoke to Grandma about it she was kind and soft spoken, quieter than usual. I could tell that our loss had caused some of the heartache she had buried so long ago to resurface. I thought about them after they had heard the news of you. I thought about them reliving their own loss, mourning triple this time. Their first-born son, their little son, and their Great-grandson. All gone. I have always found my Grandmother to be a little secretive, now I understand that a bit more. Talking about things can help, but so can keeping some things for yourself. I'm so thankful that now parents are given as much time as they need with their own child after delivery. We had you in our arms, we kissed you and whispered our love to you. My grandparents were not given this choice. They were left with nothing to hold on to, just a memory of what could have been. I love your beautiful face, Frost. I'm so glad I was able to see you.

Today was your cousin's third birthday. I was taking pictures as he blew out the candles on his cake. My eye caught what looked like a speck of dust floating in streaming sunlight through a window (even though it was night time). I took a picture where I saw it go, against the bare dining room wall. I took three pictures of that wall. In all three pictures there were three pale spots of light. In each picture, the pale lights are in different places in the room as if they were flying around. Maybe you guys thought it would be fun to pay a visit. The thought of it made me feel good. It's funny sometimes the things my mind will let me believe.
Night, night Frost
Mama loves you.

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