Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Sewing Songs

"Time lies frozen there. It's always Then. It's never Now."~The 13 Clocks by James Thurber
This speaks of my mind, my heart and my body. All of me goes back to you Frost. Everything that involves me at the moment is shrouded with the memory of you. Driving early in the morning to work alone will always be a constant memory of the times I sang to you with the music playing on the radio. I sang to the growing baby and couldn't wait to soothe you in my arms with a gentle hum. I sang before we ever knew you were coming, but those songs don't matter now. My past does not mean the same to me now, happy memories do not change what happened. You didn't finish growing. Your body stopped at 36 weeks. Time did freeze that day.
The number 7 makes me think of our loss. We waited 7 years to try and have you, we found out you died on the 17th. Your Grandpa died on the 27 of July, the 7th month 7 years before you. My name has 7 letters. It's silly, but every 7 I see from now on will bring me pain. It will take my mind back to Then.
The things I do now, that you were never even a part of before, Now these things revolve around you. There is a quilt on my bed that was sewn by a woman's hands for my Grandmother with scraps of fabric from our family's lives years before I was even born. That quilt is a reminder of you only because I know that I never had the chance to cover you with it in the cold of winter. I never got the chance to spread it out in late Spring on the greenest grass and sit you up on it and watch you marvel at nature's gifts. From now on, that quilt that you never touched will only make me think of you and what we missed. We never got to pick our favorite patches of material together. I'm looking at it now Frost and I think you would have liked the leopard print flannel left from a Halloween costume made so long ago. I guess I have to make up memories for both of us.
Night, night Frost
Mama loves you.

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