Wednesday, February 10, 2010

The Lost Name

Jack Frost was in the garden,
I saw him there at dawn.
He was dancing round the bushes
And prancing on the lawn.
He had a cloak of silver,
A hat all shimm'ring white,
A wand of glittering stardust,
And shoes of sunbeam light.
~J. Smeeton
I wonder if you would have liked your name. Your Daddy mentioned it one day early in my pregnancy with you. I paused when he said "what about Frost?" I felt it and then I said "well let's keep looking, maybe though." So months passed and we kept looking at names, saying names, spelling names and dreaming names. I felt your name again and said "I think we should name him Frost." Your sister loved it. She defended your name when we began telling relatives. She would say "HIS NAME IS FROST!" I loved her for it, she was already being such a devoted big sister. I longed for the day when you would answer when we called out your name. I couldn't wait to hear other children say your name and smile. I imagined people asking what your name was upon seeing your baby face. I would answer "His name is Frost" they would pause and say "Oh, I do like that, it's cool." And I would smile and say "the coolest". Now no one will call it, strangers won't know it, it's uniqueness is lost to time. Is anyone else named Frost? I don't know.
We didn't choose your name based on the season, we didn't choose your name because of snow, wind, or ice. We chose it because we loved it and we wanted to call you that. It just came to us, and so it just was your name. It's funny that now those things, those Winter identities, bring a flood of reminders of you to us. Maybe your Daddy felt that this time would become a frozen time for us, a time when part of our lives would stop. A time where each flake is so delicate, yet in abundance they can become devastating. As the season changes to winter in the years to come only one word will enter my mind and that word will be my baby's name; Frost.
You will forever be a warm place in the coldest of times. I just have to find you there.
Night, night Frost
mama loves you.

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