Today your sister is sick. She has been sick since four days before. She is coughing and hot with fever. All night long she coughs. I am sad for her even though I know she will be better. She missed her music program at school tonight and this makes me very sad. I feel like things keep happening against us. I feel like nothing I plan or want comes to be. I think of you and I know that you will never have a music program, you will never go to school. I also know that you will never be sick. I will never get to nurse you back to health or stay up all night with your cough. This also means that you will never hurt.
I cried and cried today and asked questions of God. I think I have to wait for an answer because I have no idea what is happening. I don't understand why so much pain has to surround us. I tried to look for happiness in the little things and now even those little things seem to have been taken away from us. Even little pains hurt.
Frost I look at Hadley and I know that she was never sick when she was an infant. I wonder if you would have been. I would have kept you well. The Winter lends itself to illness. If I am ever to have another baby I will not have it in the Winter. The Winter is your time. I will save those cold solitary days for thoughts of you. My time alone will be forever spent with you. I don't think I will ever be alone again.
Lately I've been wondering if I did something very bad in a past life and now Karma is trying her best to destroy me. I wonder what I could have done that was so bad that now my children must even suffer. Please don't take it out on my babies. I have a lot of beliefs going on here, God, karma, past lives. Mostly I don't know what to believe. But I do believe in the love I feel for my children. It is the most powerful thing I have. And it is good.
Night, night Frost
Maama loves you.
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