Thursday, February 18, 2010

Good Karma Where are You?

Today your sister is sick. She has been sick since four days before. She is coughing and hot with fever. All night long she coughs. I am sad for her even though I know she will be better. She missed her music program at school tonight and this makes me very sad. I feel like things keep happening against us. I feel like nothing I plan or want comes to be. I think of you and I know that you will never have a music program, you will never go to school. I also know that you will never be sick. I will never get to nurse you back to health or stay up all night with your cough. This also means that you will never hurt.
I cried and cried today and asked questions of God. I think I have to wait for an answer because I have no idea what is happening. I don't understand why so much pain has to surround us. I tried to look for happiness in the little things and now even those little things seem to have been taken away from us. Even little pains hurt.
Frost I look at Hadley and I know that she was never sick when she was an infant. I wonder if you would have been. I would have kept you well. The Winter lends itself to illness. If I am ever to have another baby I will not have it in the Winter. The Winter is your time. I will save those cold solitary days for thoughts of you. My time alone will be forever spent with you. I don't think I will ever be alone again.
Lately I've been wondering if I did something very bad in a past life and now Karma is trying her best to destroy me. I wonder what I could have done that was so bad that now my children must even suffer. Please don't take it out on my babies. I have a lot of beliefs going on here, God, karma, past lives. Mostly I don't know what to believe. But I do believe in the love I feel for my children. It is the most powerful thing I have. And it is good.
Night, night Frost
Maama loves you.

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