Sunday, February 28, 2010

Winter Swimming

Something wonderful happened today Frost. Your sister finally let her tears fall. She's been holding them in for so long. She's been trying to protect me and be brave. We went to the indoor pool today with friends. Hadley was nervous about the water like she always is at first. Her emotions must have surfaced, she must have looked around and seen all of the other children, the little boys. The little brothers. She came to me, her eyes fell into mine and as I asked her what had happened she sobbed "My Brother, my brother." I said "Oh Hadley" and I held her to me. Finally, I was able to comfort her. In the summer when I was first pregnant we went swimming and talked about how we would have so much fun watching you in the water the next summer. She missed this today as she saw the other children splashing and laughing. I understood why she was hurting and I asked her if these memories from last summer were the reason for her tears. She said yes, and I told her I felt the same and cried a bit with her. After that I asked her if she felt better letting some of the saddness out of her body and she said yes. Then she went into the water and played with her friends, she let herself be happy and when it was time to go she didn't want to leave. I think she was swimming for you today, even though the sun didn't warm her skin today you warmed her heart and freed her of a little bit of the burden she has been carrying. I love you both so much, all I want is for my babies to be happy. The two of you deserve it.
There is a picture in Hadley's room, I'm looking at it now because I've slept with her everynight since we lost you. The picture is from an elderly woman who befriended me when I was pregnant with your sister. She gave unconditional love to us two girls and graced us with her kindness. A few years ago she died and gave the picture to me for Hadley's room. It is a print of a relatively famous image. It is a painting of one cherub kissing the cheek of another. The little angel that is kissing has wings from heaven while the other has the wings of a butterfly, a creature of the earth. Now as I look at the picture I see you and your sister. You have flown down for a bit to ease her pain and kiss softness back into her heart. A heart, into which the downcast eyes of my earth angel search for her brother everyday. I think she may have found you there today. And I am happy for that.
The woman who was our friend was called Helen, maybe she has found you. Ask her if she somehow knew that we would need the picture before she left, and tell her thank you for me.
Night, night Frost
Mama loves you.

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