Thursday, April 8, 2010

Unwrapping Gifts

Today at 1:11 in 1975, I was born. I wonder then if you were in the plan set out for me. I wonder if you were there Frost, I wonder if you were not supposed to leave so early. Was I meant to have such pain in me, was this suffering part of the deal made at my birth? Why did I get to continue on with a life, when you did not? Who picks and chooses who lives and who doesn't? How is this determined? I could drown in all of the questions that pound through me each day. You are still a gift to me and you will be everyday, not just on my birthday. Every wish on every candle on every cake for the rest of my birthdays will be for you. For your happiness wherever you are. For the chance to see you again. For the ability to give you to the world through words. For being able to recognize the love I have for you in everything I see, and to share that love with those who need it.
There is a little boy in our life that is needing some of your extra love right now. It is your big cousin Ebben. His life isn't turning out as we had hoped at the moment. I have been watching him and caring for him. We will get him back to good. I've been sharing some of your love with him, and he has been giving back. He is playing and laughing, he has a beautiful big laugh. I imagine him teaching you things and playing with you. He is very smart and he is helping me. Hadley plays with him the way I know she would have played with you. I watch them together and I know that you are there. Your sister made me a birthday card today. She drew a picture of you and herself. You had wings and were in the clouds, she was on green grass. In the picture you were both smiling out at me. She signed your name; Love, Frost.
My life is lucky and unlucky at the same time. I always used to say my Dad was the luckiest unlucky person in the world. I wonder sometimes if this is a trait passed down through our entire family. The males especially seem to have a tragic twist thrown in. You don't feel this pain where you are, do you Frost? That was my wish today when I blew out the candles. My wish was for a sign that you are happy and good. I am still waiting. Or maybe you let me know through a little boy's beautiful big laugh. A laugh big enough for two boys. Or maybe through the smiling eyes of a drawing on a card made by a sister who is missing her Angel brother very much. I think it was in both. I saw you in the children today. Thank you for visiting me.
Night, night Frost
Mama loves you.

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