Thursday, April 15, 2010

Kites and Keys and Baby's Sneeze

A couple of nights before the ultrasound technician said "I'm so sorry" some strange things happened. Lights flickered around the house at weird times for no reason. The pictures I took of our deformed Christmas tree were blurred and grainy eventhough I sat completely still as I clicked the camera. My cell phone went dead all of the sudden and never came back up. These things were just irritating at the time. After you died and questions of every sort started to enter my head, I began to consider these happenings as something more. I wondered to myself why I could not tell when your little soul left my body? Why couldn't I feel my most important connection be broken? Why did the loss of something so powerful not register in my mind as it happened? Why didn't I see the clues that could have guided me to saving you? I felt guilt over all of these things and played the days over and over in my mind, hurting more and more each time. Why didn't I know? Then my mind started thinking about the things that had happened. They were all different things that had to do with energy, electricity. I thought then that maybe the energy it took to fly you from my body had caused these kind of strange malfunctions around our house. Was it your soul moving through these things that had caused them to short out? You breaking away from me seems similar to the spliting of an atom, it is so un-natural. It should never have happened. Our history changed the day you left. I see electricity in a new way now. I see it as being made up of souls searching out their new homes. A very precious resource indeed. These are the kinds of changes that have come to the way my thoughts work since we lost you Frost. The world isn't what I thought it was. Maybe you just zoomed past me as I typed the keys F R O S T.
Night, night Frost
Mama loves you.

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