Thursday, March 18, 2010

No Candles on his Cake

Today a woman came into my life. I don't think that she knew that she did. She was a mother Frost, and her baby went where you did. Our lives took the same broken path, only I'm a little farther down the road.
Her visit started out as an ordinary one, until she began speaking. She told us that she had an unusual request, and she asked in a somewhat businesslike sadness if we could make a birthday cake for her. She told us that she had to bury her son "alone" today. She told us that they hadn't gotten to celebrate his birthday together and she wanted to get a cake for him. My friend Kerry told her that she would make it and the woman went away for a bit and waited for the cake to be finished. While she was gone, I teared up and wondered at what had happened in her life and why she was alone. I thought that her son must be older and had been sick or had an accident. My mind wouldn't allow me to think that it happened again.
I thought of the way she spoke, and I knew that she probably had to program herself to say what she said just to get through the moment. I would not have been able to do what she did so soon after you died. She showed such great strength. I could not have said goodbye to you alone. I do not know her circumstances, but I know she is hurting.
When the cake was finished, Kerry went and found her and gave her the cake. Kerry came back to the bakery and we spoke about the woman and wondered what had happened again. I went to find a newspaper. I found her son's name in the obituaries from the previous day's paper. His name was LaMar and he was a baby. He was born March 11, 2010 and died the same day. Her name was the only other name listed. It seems as though they only had eachother and now he is gone. Getting a cake for him was probably one of the only things she had to hold on to, when time is taken away from you, you cling to the little things. We had so much support when you died from family, friends, and strangers. Her grief seemed to be a solitary one. As soon as I read that he had not had the chance to live, just like you, the tears washed down my face. She held her tears in.
I wished for a moment that I had gone to her and asked what had happened, and told her that our stories were the same. I wished for a moment that I had held her and let her tears roll down my shoulder. I wished for a moment that I had told her my name and invited her into my life. But then I thought, what if she didn't want this? What if she needed the time alone with her son? What if she needed to walk the path alone? Maybe her way of understanding what happened was a private way. His death is so fresh right now and her wound so deep, it's hard to now how to help a person heal. I am trying to decide if I will try to find her. If she comes back, I will go to her. But I have learned sometimes you only get one chance. I hope I didn't loose this one.
I feel like I'm supposed to do something. I had never seen her before today. What brought her to me? I did light a candle for the two of them tonight. I hope the fact that I am sending peaceful thoughts out into the world for them brings comfort to her somehow. She isn't alone. She just doesn't know this right now. Frost, maybe you could find her little boy and teach him about being an Angel.
Night, night Frost
Mama loves you.

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