Thursday, December 31, 2009

New Year

It's the New Year. We didn't think that it would be like this. Your Grandmother's birthday was New Year's Eve, it has been for 54 years now. I thought that you might have been born on New Year's Day, the day after your Grandma was born. Your sister was born the day after your Grandpa was born. He was born the last day of April and she was born the first day of May. The entire time that I was pregnant with you I thought that the same would happen with you and your Grandma. I thought that you would match. The last day and the first day. An ending and a beginning. A new life starting on a new day, a new year. But I was so wrong. I thought that there would be a pattern in our family. I wish I could have somehow shown you that pattern and willed your little body to follow it.
You were so nice to me while you were growing inside of me. I never got sick with you. You didn't kick as hard as your sister. You didn't push into my ribs. You were calm. I wanted to meet you and see if your calm would last. I never imagined that we would never see you move. Never blink your eyes. Never make a sound. People say that they have such good babies when they don't cry all of the time. How I long to hear you wail night after night about nothing at all. Maybe that's why my tears have no end, I'm crying the cry of a baby. And nothing here can soothe me.
Night, night Frost.
Mama loves you.

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