Rains

Yesterday the rain came and spent the day with me.  It was a day for memories, and they sogged in like the mud around my feet as I clambered around the garden.  I tried to make the day for sleeping the way the rain usually prefers me to.  It didn't work that way yesterday.  I was called outside by the leaden sky and by your brother's curiosity.  The gentle showers were new to him, so out we went.  At first I held him in an attempt to keep him somewhat clean and dry.  I tried to show him what happened when the fat drops hit the large leaves of the hostas.  I tried to show him where the birds took shelter in the bushes and under the heavy canopy of the trees.  He wanted to make his own discoveries.  His struggles always overpower me so I let him down to explore and create.  I kept an eye on him, and then I let myself begin to feel.  The memories that came to me at first were those I had had of times before when the weather was similar.  As a child looking East, from a house which is no longer there, toward a storm that long ago ended.  As a teen, digging holes in the earth in which to plant herbs of ancient use and mystery.  As a young woman remembering a place in which she should never have been, yet she cherished so much.  These were things of my life now.  Things which I possess deep inside and bring up every so often.  The longer I stayed out in the rain the further I felt from these things.  I went deeper inside and pulled up a past I didn't recognize but still felt deeply connected to.  I became everywhere.  The longer I spent time with things that have always been here the farther back I went.  The rain was here when I was not.  The plants I tended have always been here, touched by ghostly fingers long ago.  The stones your brother brought to me, so old, so old that their secrets do not matter anymore.  The clouds forever changing, have they ever once repeated a shape?  I knew these things from before, I know I did.  And so I began to cry because I missed them even though they were right there with me.  I cried for not remembering the moments gone by.  I cried because I could feel it and yet I couldn't remember why I felt it I just knew that there was something there yesterday.  Something there that I was supposed to have but no longer did.  A connection that people bring with them from life to life.  I had found it in different places and people throughout my time here.  Yesterday I wanted to feel it more than anything.  Yesterday I missed having that bond that doesn't need words.  I missed not knowing if the ties of my histories were strong enough to carry themselves here.  I missed knowing for sure that I hadn't missed something. Or lost something.   Yesterday carried me back.  Tonight the moon brought me back to knowing.  Knowing that recognition of yourself is a gift, and if you can share your true self with another it is a treasure.  I hope that my soul is remembered.
Night, night Frost
Mama loves you