Friday, May 30, 2014

Hollow Days

I've been walking to the end of my road every evening to watch the sunset.  My road is perpendicular to a bigger road.  A road with many cars.  I watch the cars as I wait for the colors to come.  I watch them and I wonder at the people driving them.  I wonder if they are happy as they pass by me.  I wonder if they notice me standing there.  I wonder at my own happiness as the sky deepens.  I try to remember what made me happy before you died.  I know that the moon and stars amazed me when I was young.  Is amazement the same as happiness?  Sometimes I think it could be. 
A couple of weeks ago I had a hollow day.  The hollow when you know that things aren't the way they need to be for you to breath correctly.  Things that should be automatic don't happen when the hollow days come.  The hollow when the empty places in you grow and open up and scream their own names so fiercely that others feel it just by looking into your face.  The hollow that is loneliness.  The hollow that takes over when you realize what you are missing.  Before I knew to miss you, I didn't know that I wasn't breathing fully.  I didn't know that there was something to gasp for.  I can't have you, I'm not allowed to see you.  I have these places in me that couldn't survive your loss.  Places in me that died off when you left.  These are the places that take over on hollow days.  The hollow days pass by now, but they do come back from time to time.  In the beginning they were my constant.  Sometimes I take your brother or sister with me to the end of the road to watch the sunset.  When they are with me I am reminded of the places that were born in me when they came to be my children, the places that warm and comfort me.  The places that fill me up.  I know that you share these places with them.  I know that you helped me to grow.  You brought me your own kind of light, one different from theirs.  I know all this to be true, but on the hollow days knowing how much more I could have felt through you had you stayed, that is what torments me so.  I would cherish a visit from you.
Night, night Frost
Mama loves you

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