Thursday, October 21, 2010

Carrara Marble

I've been watching faces lately. I have looked at so many faces and I am amazed at how many different ways beauty can present itself. I saw one girl today, just a flash of her, and I thought to myself that her face must be perfection. The proportion, the shape, the twitch of her smile, everything went together just right. When I thought that beauty could not out do itself, there came the most awesome nose. The boy that wore it showed it off nicely, his face protected it. Beauty, one right after another, so many combinations. So many choices. I've learned to appreciate, rather than become jealous of all of the beauty. There are infinite ways to put together a face, so maybe in the construction of my own, a bit of charm may have snuck in. I think it must have because I have seen it in my children.
I have learned that I can't have everything. I find myself reaching for somethings though, the things that I thought life guaranteed me. Namely, you. I thought that you were a guarantee because I would have been a good mother to you. I thought that because I found beauty in you from the day I learned you were here, that you would be mine forever. Beauty doesn't last. Beauty has to breathe. One has to catch it as soon as they find it. One must memorize beauty.
I wonder everyday how beauty would have put itself together in your little face. I wonder at the smile we never saw, and how your eyes may have squinted when you laughed. I wonder if you would have blushed when you received your first Valentine. I wonder what kind of instrument your voice would have been. What song would have bloomed in my heart as you cooed, Frost? I think about the tilt of your head as you looked into the pages of your first book. A beautiful roundness, long eyes downcast, chubby fingers turn pages too fast, excitement and "ohhhs" and "hahas!" Even though I only saw you asleep, I still wonder at your breathing sleep. Little ball? Stretched out arms? Kicking feet? How would you rest? How would you feel the world, Frost? Beautifully, I know you would.
I wonder why I am allowed to see the faces of so many strangers, when the one that owns half of my beauty was frozen in an instant and turned to ash. I have to be my own sculptor and carve and polish my dreams of the beautiful life you would have had. I will work on this my entire life.
Night, night Frost
Mama loves you

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