Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Crashed and some words

Mommy's got that emptied out feeling again. Like the cold open chest cavity feeling that I can never cut away. I can't fill it. I've tried. The wide open sky is too elusive, even when the clouds are heavy with rain. Moonbeams dance around far too skillfully for my loneliness to catch and use them as a mask. Conversation doesn't stitch up my wound, I say the wrong thing and the sutures I attempted fall out. Sometimes little trickles of pleasure seep into me, but they escape by the end of the night. I never go to bed with the hope I used to feel for the tomorrows I have stocked up. That is where my crashed open chest heaves. Night-time is supposed to hide our flaws. My night-time flays them wide open. I must shine like the moon in the dark, all exposed for everyone to see. Clouds rush up to cover me, but the waves of my sorrow creep around them. Over and over again I try to remedy my soul. Over and over again something tells me I can't. I don't want to be a display for people to wonder at anymore. I just want to be a woman again.

When you're lost,
see how lucky you are.
So long. So leave.
Don't you like when you're free?
and young enough to be King.
Only she can seal your coffin shut.
Don't you hurry to speak.
Once a wise owl had watched
As you walked in your sleep.
And your crash can be healed.
Night, night Frost
Mama loves you.

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