Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Wanda's gone

Frost, you've been guiding me lately.  I go to you nightly for help, for a way.  You help me find that way through the heartache of carrying another child.  I like to think that you bring me back to the joy of it.  I get lost a bit and wrapped up in the hardships of everyday life.  But then I talk to you and I am reminded that I should be happy.  Only you and Hadley know what this little boy is learning now.  Only you have grown within me.  Please show him how to be strong and live. 
I miss what my family was before everyone started dying.  It began with my dad, everyone changed then.  It feels smaller and farther away than when I was a child.  I'm loosing more and more every year.  It's getting so scant that tiny arguments devastate me because I feel like these will make my family slip away to nothing.  I need this baby to help our family grow again, to help your sister feel a connection that I feel that I haven't been able to give her the way that I should have.  It's not the same, it's not the same.  I hope that loosing my family here means that your family is growing.  Sometimes I feel like people left to be with you.  Are they with you Frost?  Did you meet your Great-grandma Wanda not too long ago?  I loved her so.  I loved her hands, I have pictures of them.  I was there when she died, in the room with her and her family.  I kept thinking of her with you for the first time.  I kept thinking of her with your Great-grandpa Milton for the first time in 30 years.  I kept thinking of her with her mind and her strength back.  And as her breath and heart failed her I whispered into her ear "You hold my baby, Grandma, you can hold my baby for me now."  After, I felt calm, so I know that she did just that. 
Night, night Frost
Mama loves you


  1. This is so very beautiful. Thinking of you and sending lots of love and good energy.

  2. Beautiful. I'm so glad for that feeling of calm.

    I come from a small and distant part of a very large family on both sides so I felt your description of your family disappearing very keenly. I have always felt as though there were too few of us, that we would just slip away.

    Wishing you the very, very best xo