Friday, June 18, 2010

6 months

Today, all day, I just kept thinking that I needed to find something to give you, something special. I know that if you were here I would have given you a little toy or something for your six month birthday. It would have probably been a fuzzy stuffed animal that you could put in your mouth or hold with your feet the way your sister did. How I would have loved to see your grabby little hands take it and grip your new discovery like you had just invented a touchable cloud. We would have celebrated today, Frost. Instead, I tried to block my anger at everything normal. I wanted to cry all day, but I didn't. I tried to smile at other's jokes. I was able to walk today, though at times I felt invisible. I was so wrapped up in my thoughts of you that I'm sure that no one else was able to see me.
I saw things too. There was a yellow balloon on the ceiling at work early this morning before many people were there. I noticed it. A little while later, I saw that it had gone to the floor. It's string only touched the ground while it floated above. It was as though someone had brought it down and was holding it. It hesitated near me. I stooped to pick it up and rested my hand on the loop where a child's hand should be. I imagined holding your tiny fingers, tickling them and calling you mine. I put the balloon in a space, if it is there tomorrow I will bring it home. If it is not, I will know that you had to go on.
Once again, a song has brought to me the words I need for you. I heard it this morning in the dark, driving. This happens quite a bit. I had heard this song before but not the same way. Today it was more

Frost, you did get a gift, do you know what it is? You got to be born again right away. I don't know where you were born again, maybe here, maybe heaven, maybe only in dreams, but you do have a new life. Many people spend their lives wishing they could do things over, wishing they could be young again, wishing they knew things before they happened, wishing to be born again. You, my baby, never have to wish this. I do. I wish that you could be born again from me. I wish that we could give this gift to eachother.
Night, night Frost
Mama loves you.

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