Sky Debts

I've been feeling really happy and good about myself lately. But I'm afraid tonight I am paying the price for this. I feel so alone. I cried to you, did you know? I saw the crescent moon at the bottom of the sky under two bright stars in a line. Like a pendulum striking the horizon. Trees and clouds muddled my sight, but I knew it was swinging. It was never out of my mind. Out of site, out of mind has never been true to me. Since I was a child I have held tight to the things that I have lost. Squeezing out every slip of breath, every burn of touch, until it embeds itself into my very flesh. I've made a uniform for myself out of my memories. I've been talking about them too much with others, trying to shape the way they think of me. Trying to make myself more mysterious by giving away too many of my secrets. It's not mysterious, it's ugly. My happy is ugly. I try to cover. You know me, Frost. Why won't things work? Is it because of me? My heart is aching, but I take time to pet the cat. I take time to try and sooth myself through the comfort of another. Lonely doesn't help this.

A row of caning in the basket was missing. It was old and it should have been missing parts. Or it should have been restored. I don't know where the caning went to. I don't know if it was damaged all at once or if little bits came out over the years. Everything ages in its own style. How much does it take to break down? To collapse? To change? The basket still holds everything it did before. The missing part did not eliminate function. I wonder if the basket remembers the tree it came from.

Night, night Frost
Mama loves you

What a film can make us long for

I'm looking for something today. I can't seem to find that feeling. That feeling that fills me up and keeps me. I tried to make myself dream that feeling earlier. If I did, I forgot it again. I tried to find it in music and driving all around. But all I found was an empty bigness in far off houses with lights that tell me someone lives there for a time. I saw it in a movie once and afterwards took a shower with which to wash away my tears at its absence. A movie where a lover ran after a lover. Over centuries and lives. Through flesh and wood. It didn't matter, the feeling lasted. I'm looking for a something to last for me. For once and all, why does everything go away? When will it come back? Everyone comes back, I just don't know when. I wonder why we meet the people we meet. That's all.

Night, night Frost
Mama loves you.

Two years old

I went to bed early last night, and you woke me this morning with a beautiful pink sunrise. I ran out to take a picture to commemorate your second birthday. My camera's battery had died.
You're growing older in my dreams too, Frost. Faster than you would have here. I dreamt of a boy the other night, a young teenager, he had lighter hair than the rest of us and a grin so mischievous. He came around the corner from where I was in the dream and we started playing hide and seek as if he were a toddler. We played for a little while and the he ran off, strong and happy. It was nice and I woke happy. These are the dreams I have to remember, these are the ways I mark my days.
Inside now there are rainbows on your sister's bedroom walls. The winter sun shines through her prisms. She has quite a collection in her windows. I like to watch as they change, I know that they will only last a short while but I know that I will not forget their beauty.
I have wishes for you today on your birthday. But all my wishes are that you had known earthly things, that you had delighted in living. I want to know what your wishes are Frost. What do soul's wish for? You deserve them, so I will light two candles now for you and let them burn until you blow them out. And then your wish will come true. I love you always.
Night, night Frost
Mama loves you.

Like a cat

The quiet has gone away. There's not enough quiet anymore. In the quiet I talk to you. Too many sounds push in and try to crowd our time together. Sometimes they don't recognize how much I need the quiet. I tried to reach into the quiet today. I shut my door and found your blanket. The soft tiny one that I wove for you. I didn't finish it before you died. I tied the fringe after and left it longer than I would have if you had ever touched it. That way I have more to hold when I try to find the quiet that I need. I traced the wavy weave and spread it out over my mattress. I cried out the weak tears, the noise. I pushed everything that was too heavy into the blanket. I gave the blanket weight and held it, rocked it. I made it settle my heart. I found happiness in my own stillness. I made room for the quiet, the beauty. Some days I envy what others have. Some days I know that I have something others do not. I know what the quiet is for.

Night, night Frost
Mama loves you

It should have been a picture

I carried a bag in from the garden today. It was filled with herbs and tomatoes and okra. I grew these. As I walked toward the house with my harvest, I felt the bag's weight and noticed it's distance from the ground. It turned into you, reaching up and taking my hand. We walked under the dried up apple trees, whose fruit has already fallen. When I reached the basement door I stopped to wipe away a few tears. The bag had changed back into itself. Your little surprise visits take my breath away.

Night, night Frost
Mama loves you

My Windows aren't high enough

When I look at the tops of trees I have to look up. You look down. That is the only difference. Such a huge difference. Just thinking of you, and how I need a mountain.

Night, night Frost
mama loves you.

Much Needed Storm

It came at the end of an oblong day. I sat by the window and waited for lightening. I went out into it and felt the fat drops. I loved the fat drops, on my shoulders and dress. I watched the storm play, like a child flipping a light switch off and on. I listened to it speak in the leaves and die in the parched soil. The clouds circled round and flashed through many faces. Too many to recognize, but I know I knew some of them. It made the cats huddle. It made my plants smile. It made your cousin dance. It made me realize comfort in summer. It's electricity changed up the day, it moved me forward and made me think of who I was missing and how you are a part of that energy, and how you stay with me in so many ways. You fly far above my head and every so often come down and share a little peace with me. I needed you today Frost. Thank you for knowing that.

Night, night Frost
Mama loves you.